*~*AshiE's Journal
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Thursday, September 26, 2002
Summer break is officialy over and I am back to GW! Yeah! I was there all summer for WAVES and stuff... GW is okay. It's kinda like, yeah. I don't have any like new friends and I mean, I notice quite a few guys but I dunno. They're just guys. I've made a few new guy friends so it's awesome. Punk is such a cool work. Prep sucks. What the hell does that mean anyway? Prep? They preparing for something? Yeah, I know that was gay but hey! That rhymed :-D Well, just updating... leave comments if you read. Love ya!
Song: TRUSTCompany - Downfall (sexy sexy)
Thursday, July 18, 2002
I really have nothing to write about. I just wanted to move my fingers because I don't have a piano and I don't have my violin either. So I am hopeless.. I was reading everything else I had on here. Forget Chase and all those other losers I was pining over. I was a loser, too. (lol) Brandon is coming down on the 17th of August, and of course, my cousin decides to get married on the 17th so I can't see him the first few days that he's here. But family first, so they say. I'll see him when I get home... :-( Still makes me sad.
Well, Manda is talking crap. She's really full of it, well.. full of herself. And I know that I'm not the only one to think this. She was ranting first that I told Tia everything and that I was SUCH a fake because I told Tia all this crap and blah blah blah blah blah and then she starts yelling at Tia that Brandon is hers and that she's jealous and blah blah blah there, too. Of course, by then, I am bored of what FLen is saying because.. I know. She called me herself, crying of course, saying how jealous she was and that Brandon is the only guy she's ever loved. OH, OOPS, nope DUSTIN, too, sorry can't forget him.. the best thing that happened to her that she just accidently landed on top of some guy and made out behind his back. Long story... Had to get that out.
You know, I want to play the cello. It'd be easier to vibrato... But I can't because I don't know the notes and they don't have beginning classes for freshman. Sucks. I CAN take an orchestra class buy my parents would probably skin me alive.... Must go think about it. I'll talk to Mrs. Grizell about it later.
Current mood:  indifferent Current music: Josh Groban - Let Me Fall
Wednesday, July 3, 2002
Oh, my God! I was just reading everything I've written before, from March back on to 2002. Mon Dieu! I have changed so much! I was pretty stupid, lol. Well, not a lot's happened. I'm kind of in a sticky situation right now, though.. I want to write it down so I don't forget anything, considering my very short memory. Well, I'll get to the point quickly, I met Brandon from Oregon on-line today. He is a great guy and I'm into him so far, as he seems to be into me. But there is one little obstical: my best friend, his ex-girlfriend. Amanda. She has her boyfriend and yet it seems she's content on keeping me from getting anywhere with any guy she's ever been interested in. *Sigh*. I love the girl as my own family, since she is just about, but I'm jealous. For once in my entire life, I am jealous. And that doesn't happen to often.. Brandon & Amanda really were in love. I can just feel it. And the sad thing is, I want to change that! He still loves her.. and I'm probably going to be caught up in changing that fact. I'm getting selfish here, I understand. I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Amanda has much more experience with guys, and I think that's the reason I'm jealous. I always get closed up and silent-like around guys I actually want, which is really awful. Merde! I just want to hit something..
Well, anyway.. I'm so excited! I couldn't sleep because I'm all hyped up!! My brother, whom I haven't seen in three long years, is coming down in the morning!! He's on the road right now, on the way to Cali!! He should get here around 8:30-9 or 10.. Hopefully early!! Oh, I'm nervous and everything but the anticipation is killing me. Fourth of July is going to be really awesome this year.
And.. I want to start taking ballet. My mum keeps "forgetting" to call the dance studio to sign me up. Shoes are 50$ at ASA, remember. I need a black leotard and white ( i refuse to wear pink!) tights... Okay, well I need to go pray on that, too.
Good night!!
Current mood:  mellow Current music: Toni Braxton - That Somebody Was You
Saturday, March 30, 2002
Since no one reads this, it doesn't really matter.. I need to keep track of my life.
So.. Charlie lied! Ha, I was so surprised. He is now going out with Alisha. You know, the funny thing is.. I thought I would be "Oh my GOD SO CRUSHED" and teary-eyed, but frankly, I don't care. I could seriously care less. I realized how badly he was treating me and I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I ALSO realize, I am NOT ready for commitment to ANYONE at ALL. Ha, so be happy, single, free.. yeah im gettin sex other places (okay dont ask).
Um.. what else?
Oh, Bender got arrested. What a DUMBASS! Stealing a damn skateboard in front of like 20 other guys. Smart, huh? Well, he deserves it. He got suspended for 2 weeks and is on probation for 6 months (i dont want to meet his probation officer - hes been on pro. b4 this). You know - I have no idea what Tia sees in him. God forgive me, I love her to death, but she's so blind and stupid when it comes to boys. Every guy she has ever liked only gushes on her at first because shes "so skinny and so pretty." Yes, she is pretty, but also, those guys are 100% assholes. I've met them before and had the same thing happen to me. No thanks.
Well.. I am on another of my crash diets. I've gained weight a lil around my midsection so i decided ill lose about 20 or 15 lbs and weigh 90-100. I cant believe I weigh so much right now! its disgusting. Ive been working out like mad, but I guess the fact what ive been eating doesnt really help does it..
Anyway.. my broken toe bleed so bad yesterday. I went running (well tried) and when i came home my sock was all bloody and i took it off and the toenail wasnt gray anymore! I was so happy. Well, today it's gray again. Yay..
My ex called me last night. I was mainly thinking "Why is justin calling me?" but i didnt pick it up because i was babysitting. I'll call him later.
Ooh.. I have my future planned out. I want to be a fashion designer (I just got my portfolio - im so proud) or I would love to go into advertising. I'm very competative (can you tell?).. ANd I want a damn BMW! More than anything. MY first big paycheck (I'll probably work at Lerners or Express as a first job.. thats boring) is going towards that car. Since everything else I get goes towards college. Exciting! Ah, I dont want to grow up. I need to chill, honestly.
I have been painting all day. I did a pretty good job I think. I painted two little clipboard things because I was bored and then I made a pretty picture. Lol, that sounds gay. But anyway.. I found all my oil paints and was so happy I just started painting. I have a big posterboard and I'm going to find something to paint on there. Mabey the eiffel tower or something.. and old picture. I'll just be creative and hang it up somewheres.
Oh LORDIE! I LOVE OFFENBACH! I was listening to music on TV (i have satellite.. yah) last night and i was listening to this song im listening to now (thats a mouthful) and i was like Orpheus in the Underworld? The entire song is very lively and energetic and has fabulous crescendos and decrecendos and colour.. and the ending is the music from Spectacular Spectacular! I thought it sounded familiar when I first saw Moulin Rouge and now I know why.. Ha, I'm an idiot. Well..
Current mood:  creative Current music: Orpheus in the Underworld by Jacques Offenbach
Men think computers should be referred to as females because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you."
4. Your mistakes are stored in memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending your paycheck on accessories for it.
Women think computers should be referred to as male. Here's why:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. A power surge will knock them out for the night.
haha.. that is so funny! and SO true!! it's scary..
Current mood:  energetic Current music: Symphony No. 5 in C Minor by Beethoven
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
It's been forever since I've written in here and SO MUCH has happened! I opened this last summer and it's so hard to believe I haven't written in it for a couple of months.
Well, Charlie (I changed his name hehe) likes me!! Ahh, we had a long discussion yesterday and we talked on the phone for a while. No one really knows about it. I only told 5 people but I don't know if I should have told Tiff. I hope she doesn't say anything.
ANyway...
Charlie was kinda strange at lunch, but all well. All the science classes at the end of the day got to go over and visit the Agriculture department of GW and I had no idea Charlie had science 8th period like me.. Well, anyway, he came over and goes hey, give me a hug then hugs me! I was all weee, happy. Yeah, I'm very naive (did I spell that right?) and very.. um, vulnerable and childish and whatever else you want to call me. But I'm sure if you were me, you would understand. High school sucks.
Well, Tia and Amanda are my best friends right now. THe last entry I wrote probably says Alisha. We aren't close anymore, but we are still friends. Which is a really good thing, because I would hate to have her as an enemy.
Tia is darling! I love her! And Amanda, too. But everyone is saying I'm too proper now, the way I talk and stuff. Oh, Abel made me laugh the other day. I called Tia darling, (like I call everyone - Oh, and get used to the rapid change of subject, that happens a lot), and he said "Yeah, that completely proves your rich!" And I was more or less like excuse me? Because I am not rich. So NOW, I am trying to find out why he thinks darling and rich have something in common. Can someone help me out there??? Well, that was stupid to say it just flabbergasted me.
Well, Alyssa is being difficult so I will end this message and hopefully write another one later on in the day.
Current mood:  cheerful Current music: Only Hope - Mandy Moore
Monday, October 15, 2001
For some crazy reason these lyrics say a lot about me right now. I feel like this I guess. I'm stupid.. But this is that song To Be Free by Emiliana Torrini.
Once in a house, on a hill..
A boy got angry
He broke into my heart..
For a day and a night
I stayed beside him
Until I had no hope
So I came down the hill
Of course I was hurt
But then I started to think
It should hurt me to be free
It's what i really need
To pull myself together..
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself..
There's a park by the dock..
Where I hide from myself
Drinking with this man
He offered me a ciggarette
And I accepted,
Cuz it's been a very long time..
As it burned til the end
I thought of the boy..
That no one could ever forget
Tt shouldn't hurt me to be free
It's what i really need
To pull myself together..
But if its so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself
To pull myself together..
But if it's so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don't know what to do with myself...
To pull myself together..
Current mood: artistic Current music: I just changed it to Crawling by Linkin Park
I am so boreddddd.. I have a list of who I like now (isn't that sad?)
1. Rick
2. Ian
3. Eric
4. David...
There's plenty more but I don't wanna name them.
Boys!! Ahh, its simple. I love too many people dammit!
Current mood: cheerful Current music: Emiliana Torrini - To Be Free
Friday, October 12, 2001
God damnit!!! Chase pisses me off so bad. I told him about this guy I fooled around with last year and he went off and told Justin so THAT'S why he broke up with me !! That ass!! I didn't even KNOW Justin when I met the other guy... God, I hate Chase. He was just too jealous and too impatient to wait and he wanted Justin out of the picture. Why? Oi!! So many different stories? Whitney told me that Justin broke up with me because he told her that he heard I was going to break up with HIM. Chris told me Justin thought it was "the right thing to do," (ha!)... SO MANY!!! I'm confused. I hate this. Ya know, I knew this was better off as a friendship and not a "relationship.." Damnit!!!!
Vanessa better call me tomorrow!! I want to go to that game!!!! It'll help me calm down and not stalk Chase down and kick his worthless little ass!!!!! HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ONE!!!!!! Oh, and anyway, I can flirt with Vanessa's cousin, he's on the Cowboys or Raiders or something :-) CUTIE!!
Current mood:  bitchy Current music: Crazy/Beautiful Soundtrack - Ten La Fe
Thursday, October 11, 2001
You know what I just realized?
Today was our second week going out.. Isn't that sad? He broke up with me on our anniversary. That @$*(*%()#*%()$&*(@#$)... And I can go on. Poor guy, he lost more than I did. Even tho it's way too obvious..
Jeez, these lyrics say a lot.. I love this song.
"Heart Attack" by Sum 41
Remember when there was nothing else to do, but lie and bed and,
wonder how it was always up to you, and no one else and,
Early mornings, made by warnings, what's the point of the alarm that I'm ignoring?
It's either raining, I'm not complaining, but waking up is hard to do so,
[chorus]
Turn my head its back to bed with no delay, can't be bothered by the phone ten times a day,
Why get up my morning doesn't even start till two?
Forget reality waking up is hard to do.
Remember when we would hang out every day, and we would rather,
Not be told what to do or what to say, Cause nothing mattered.
Never boring with slept in mornings, not ashamed of bad habits that I'm forming.
Its not important if days are shortened, I can't make time when nothings new,
Cause waking up is hard to do so,
[chorus]
What's a day when it all ends up the same, and lasts forever?
Can't complain when there's nothing there to blame, and things can't be better.
Summer evenings, teenage grievings, got no problem with the life that I've been leading.
No concentration on hesitation, I can't make time when nothings new, Cause waking up is hard to do so! he still likes Whitney.
Current mood: pissed off Current music: Sum 41 - Heart Attack
Justin broke up with ME today. I was going to break up with him sooner or later anyway. Our relationship was going nowhere PLUS we talked more as FRIENDS not b/f and g/f.. All well, Eric and Rick... Ian and Isaac... here I come! :-D I love being single. I'll just miss being with him I guess. This is going to be a very very awkward situation between us now. He said we could still be friends and stuff but I don't know. It'll be weird. But anyway, he told his friends BEFORE he told me and then his friend came over (Luis) and said, "Justin says it's over." And I thought he was joking but screw that, whatever. He wasn't.. Now I'm just all pissy.
His friend, Ryan (from the game), IMed me..
Justin's Sn: Hey.. this is Ryan
Me: oh hey
J: Remember me?
Me: Ur the guy from the game right?
J: Yeah!! Cool!! You remember
(this guy is very immature) Me: Yeah.. ok
we talked a few minutes about why me and Justin had broken up.. of course I had no idea so he decided to let Justin get on.
J: Hey, Justin wants to talk to you...
Hey..
Me: hi
J: I was going to do it myself but Luis got to you first.
Me: Well all well we can't change that now
J: don't be mad
Me: I'm not mad (of course i am!)
J: Okay..
J: We're still friends right?
Me: Why did you break up with me anyway?
ME: only if you wanna be
J: Chris (his best friend) told me you said we were better off as friends and that things got weird and I figured they were getting weird too.
Me: (ready to kill/murder/hang chris!!) OH yeah, well, it's true..
J: But yeah, sure why not. we can still be friends
and then he left and I talked to ryan for a few more minutes.
Oh it's so ironic. Tia, one o my new best chica friends, her boyfriend broke up with her at lunch too, the same way. Luis came over and Abel (prick) broke up with her. I bet he's gonna feel like sh*t 2nite.
ALL well I guess, can't change the fact I'm single for a while. Oh, after school, Vanessa's ex-b/f asked me out and I started laughing. I feel so bad.. BUt anyway, he's a seventh grader for cryin out loud!! It's amazing to find out how many ppl can like you in two weeks while you're going out with someone... and then you break up.
Me and Alisha got in a fight again. She started calling me conceited and that I think every guy in the school loves me and wants to be with me and that every cute guy I meet flirts with me. I was like, excuse me?? (I had a boyfriend at the time *ahem*) But we fought all day and then she ignored me at lunch even tho I was on the verge of tears b/c of what happened.. It was crazy. But then after school she hugged me and said she was sorry and that she was gonna kick Justin's ass. It was hilarious.
Well, I'm waiting for Tia to call (she better i need her!!)
Current mood:  depressed Current music: Craig David - Fill Me In
Sunday, October 7, 2001
Hmmmph.. Well I'm bored out of my mind. I'm talking to Jacob and Jordan [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<who [...] ;-)>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Hmmmph.. Well I'm bored out of my mind. I'm talking to Jacob and Jordan <who are too old for me ;-)>.... Well, it's late. I've been up for 13 hours! YAY! I wanna see how long I can go.. I don't have church tomorow so I can sleep in. That's a good and a bad thing, I guess.
I got so bored, my mind wandered aimlessly straight back to Friday night; on it's own of course (ahem)... I thought about where Justin kissed me and how I felt in his arms. I'll start with how I feel.. The right words would be.. Warm, protected, that fuzzy feeling inside, held, loved; I feel like I just fit in his arms.
And when he kissed me.. Hehe, that's a different story (but still a great one). He kissed me at the end of my jaw line right by my neck on the bone then brushed his lips across my cheek with his eyes closed. It was really romantic until Chase came up and started making noises and I turned my head before Justin could kiss my lips and I think that pissed him off. But, if I could be back in that moment I would be..
Happier. Current mood: optimistic Current music: Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
Saturday, October 6, 2001
Okay.. It just turned like 11:32 but I realize every time I look at the clock (just by chance) it's always * or **:41 or :31.. I looked at the clock and it turns 11:31! You think it's trying to tell me something?
Current mood:  hungry Current music: Dido - Here With Me
I guess I should stop beating myself up. I'll kiss him Monday.. or the next time I see him :-D.. My MOTHER is threatening me, saying she wants to meet him so badly just because he hugged me in front of her. Oi she better not do anything!!! God I swear, I would murder her in her sleep!!!!!!
Well, it's been a short/long/strange day.. week.. month! Oi I'm crazy. Shanelle and Kaylen and Tia and Meghan.. Oh God they've SERIOUSLY lost their minds!! And Alisha! Oh Jeez. THat poor girl, she scares everyone. It was hilarious, she was freaking out last night and Justin was "scared" of her and it pissed her off and that REALLY scared both of us (lol freak).. So I'm out of it.
Current mood: bouncy Current music: I Can't Believe - Blu Cantrell
Last night was wonderful! I went to the GW game over at the stadium, and my boyfriend AND my best friends were there and some of my other good friends so I had so much fun! I'm mad at myself for a lot of reasons. I held Justin's hand most of the time but I guess he thought I was ignoring him because I was really quiet and talked to Alisha or Marjorie the most.. but hes so damn quiet! But anyway, around 10:30 the fball game ended and Justin took me in his arms and hugged me and was about to kiss me but I didn't know what to do! But then he brushed his lips against my cheek and took off! I was looking for him so I could actually KISS him but I couldn't find him! Now he's like.. distant sorta. He's not online and I'm too shy to call. Ahhh I'm so stupid! I wish I could just pick up the phone and dial that number and talk to him.. Or be back in that moment when I would have kissed him. The thing IS is that Chase and Joey and Palmer were standing RIGHT there and Chase would be on my ass for the rest of the night if he saw me and Justin actually kiss.. Oh, I don't wanna fall in love again, well not yet anyway.. Dear God HELP ME!!
Current mood:  flirty Current music: The One - Blu Cantrell
Thursday, July 26, 2001
oh my goodiness. I am so annoyed and just plain angry right now. My dad is just so rrrr. He is on my case ALL the time!!!!! I was getting ready to clean up around 4:30 - 5 when he came home (he was an hour early!) so I was like, forget it. He came in my room and told me to get off the phone then got all in my face about the house being dirty and it seemed he was basically blaming it all on me. Then he got furious that the stupid 500$ dog, "TJ The Dog", got out. It's like, not my fault! Why doesn't HE take time to clean everything? He thinks I do? I am just so sore and tired from that concert and my whole sleeping schedual is screwed up.
I am just so freakin' tired of NEVER being able to live up to his expectations. I'm too fat, I eat too much, I'm too lazy, I need to lose weigh, I need to do things on my own, I need to start to pay attention, I need to get up off my ass more often. FIrst off, because I'm not a toothpick and I wear a size 3-7 I am FAT. He says I could afford to lose a little weight and that I should exercise. Well excuse me! And second, it's always my fault about everything. If I leave the house dirty, if I get a bad grade, if I get "attitude" a little too often.. It's ALWAYS me. My brother was sitting on his ass while I was being accused of all this shit. How did the dog out? I don't know. Did you let him out? NO. Look at this, it's a mess. The whole house is a mess! Then why don't you clean it up... Look at the bathroom, you need to start paying attention. What were you doing all day? Trying to relax when I finally get you off my back. Why didn't you do the dishes? Why why why why!? WHAT CAN I NOT DO WRONG!? It's always me me me. I never live up to his expectations!! He says he loves me but yeah, come on. whatever. My mom is (usually) happy with the way I am. Now everyone always wonders why I call myself fat, have 0 Self Asteem, and don't think I can do anything right. I can't! I clean the dishes.. DO THESE LOOK CLEAN TO YOU!? WHATEVER. If he would just get off my back once in a while and chill and let me do my thing then everything would be fine. he leaves the house a mess.. cups in his room, bowls in the computer room, stuff in the living room, CANS, everything just everywhere!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD. and its always my fault cuz "i eat too much..." whatever. IF I weighed 88 lbs and was perfect w/ straight A's and did everything he wanted me to do then everything would be fine. Well then fine, I'm gonna weigh 88 lbs, even if it means killing me. Whatever, if it'll get him off my back!
Current mood: annoyed Current music: Spiderbait - Calypso
I had the most excellent time at the concert!!!! Oh my God, Justin, Jc, Lance, Chris, and Joey are just.. I can't describe it in words. YUM! The concert was so fun!! Kaylen and her cousin were excellent to be there with, they weren't afraid to dance or anything. Fun Fun Fun!! yay!
Anyway, right now I am so pissed off I can't see straight. I let Kristen spend the night again cause it was late. Well, now, she is complaining her head off like it's just the greatest thing! First at the pool party, she kept baggering me to get in the pool so i said ok ok fine, later.. to make her shut up. Well, she sat there and moped for twenty minuted WAITING. So I finally got in... Well, last night she moped cause I wouldnt give her money to pay for her t-shirt, so I finally did and she was like, Oh my GOd I love you. And now she is acting like I am THE MEANEST person on earth. I don't know why but she is just all quiet and giving me the "evil-eye" and it's so damn frustrating!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH. I am gonna pull her hair out.
Current mood: angry Current music: Crazytown - Toxic
Friday, July 20, 2001
I snuck out around 6 this morning to go to Casey's. Well, she fell asleep before I got there so I had to go all the way back home. I guess I was greatful, though. Everything looked so beautiful this morning it made my depression lessen somewhat. The sunrise was beautiful. I mean completly. I have NEVER seen anything like that, it was so pretty. I don't even think beautiful is enough of a word to describe it. But I sat there and let it soak my face and I thought about everything. I haven't figured everything out, but it helped. I feel much better.
Current mood: calm Current music: Linkin Park - Crawling
Wednesday, July 11, 2001
I'm not the happiest person in the world right now. I have to see the guy that upest me much (read other entries) today at a baseball game. I want to see him but at the same time I really don't because I don't know what I'll say about it.
This sucks so bad that you can't plan these things out.. Like plan it in your brain and it really happens. Well, if you could my life would be a lot different. Well, I have no idea what I'm gonna do so wish me luck!
************************
"Life's a bitch. And then you die."
Current mood:  crappy Current music: DestinYs ChiLd - HeY LadieS
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
Life is full of so many questions. Many of mine are: Is he thinking of me? Who do I like today? What will I have to worry about today? Will something bad happen to me today? Mabey good? Why is there so many questions I ask everday?
I have a simple life, and being a newly turned teen-ager, of thirteen, I am a very complicated person. I find it hard to keep people close to me unless we automatically click. I have a weird way of running my life, such as everything has to be in order! Or to hell with it, I don't care where everything is. One day I am quiet and stupid with a boring voice and the next quite perky and hyper and preppy. It gets annoying to everyone, because I know I am crazy, I belong in a mental hospital. Where no one is wanted, such as myself.
I fell in love with a boy. Not exactly parent-approval material, but he's a great guy. But a few weeks ago, I met another guy. He is three years older than I, but I care for him deeply even though I haven't heard from him after the day we kissed. I learned so many things last night that I cannot say on here where people can read, I wrote it in another post in my private journal. I am very introverted, as you can see. But I must say, I learned things about the guy I just met that I know I'm not even suppose to know half the stuff.
I love to go to sleep. It makes me feel so much better because I can rest and not worry what will happen to me at 1 o'clock in the afternoon the next day. Will someone die? Will I die? Will I get hurt? Will I get yelled at and screamed at? Will I get kissed unexpectantly but that special-somebody? Will someone say "I love you" to me? As you can see, too many things run through my head that I shouldn't even worry about. I can be deep, right now for a young woman, I seem childish. THese are all things everyone asks, but to me it's so much more because I fall in love too easily. It's not fun being in love when you know the person you love doesn't love you back... But please, what I have to hold onto right now means the world to me.....
***********************
"Life's a bitch. And then you die."
Current mood:  curious Current music: Linkin Park - By Myself
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